We Are All Creatures of Habit

Hello Blog from my Past...it's been a while, yes? From the dates it looks like it has been about 3 1/2 years since I've last made an entry. I think it's time for a well-needed update regarding all I kind of wrote and what has happened since.

I'd like to say where I am in life I am happy but I am not. There are some things that have changed, very big changes.... but I am currently not that happy. I actually don't even know what to say as something kind of spiked my anxiety right now so I will be back to write some more another time.

Maybe this can at least be eh....some sort of "welcome back!" thing or something, I don't know?

This Friday I will be flying to Ohio once more.

I will see him.

I will see the one I love.

It has been a journey and although it feels as though we have taken two steps back

I am choosing to believe after all this it will be like 10 jumps forward.

Sometimes we haven't finished what we should have before 

and must return to what needs to be done.

I am doing much praying for God's Will. I believe only that will

bring peace to us.
It will be what is right.

What is good.

What should be.

I love him so much.
I will see the one my soul loves.

Before I began to make this post I read my old one.
It seems the "woe is me" is a common state of mind for me to fall into....or rather, anyone.

I feel like I am facing a lot of the same things two years ago which is saddening. I don't want to be on a merry go round anymore. I want to get off.

Right now I feel misunderstood and alone in my feelings. I don't even think anyone will be reading this but honestly, I don't think I want anyone reading this.

I have a question future self...

will I be happy? Will I be with someone who stays by my side and wants to be with me?
Who does all they can to share their life with me?

or am I meant to be alone? Am I alone?

Remember there is Good

I am in a "Woe is Me" kind of mood. 

I had to go to the store to buy medicine/cream for a rash I have. It's in such an embarrassing part of my body. It makes me uncomfortable and very itchy. Not a place I can just scratch without people going O_o; Ughhhhh. It's gross. I am praying it will go away and have been keeping myself very clean on top of adding medicine.. I'd rather not have to go to the doctor.

I'm trying to work on cosplay right now but...a song that played caused me to cry and so I sat up and thought, I should just blog it up and post pictures of happy things that have happened to me. It's nice to vent sadness but good to share the happy times as well. Good reminder that my life isn't going too bad. The devil would want me to sulk and focus on the bad. I can't go and do what he'd want! God would want me to look up and remember that He loves me and as long as I am in His will, everything will work out. Oh! A good worship song just came on. Singing these songs of praise really uplift me. Also Satan can't STAND praise to God, it makes him flee. GOOD. I don't need his pathetic presence in my life! Disgusting disgrace. [shakes head] I will be okay. So here's some pics, future Bridget. You had fun this past weekend. : )

Me and friends with a local band!

I had a photoshoot in my pretty new dress ^^

Kitty-Sheik-Chan =^3^=

Me with my Kinu Cafe friends <3

Taken by one of my Photographer friends :D

I WILL ALWAYS BE A MESSY EATER. In a dress or out, I am not so lady-like. Hehe!

*Sigh* Good times, good times. I have more good times to look forward to. I suppose I will continue to pray for all that concerns me and give it to God. I will continue to live and move toward my goals. Faith without WORKS is dead, according to the Bible. I have to keep on fighting the good fight! God knows the love I still have in my heart for someone. He sees every tear I shed in prayer because of this love. He knows my future and He knows what I need, because God gives more than what we deserve. He blesses us with His grace and mercy. Everything will be as it should, according to His perfect and loving Will.
Bless the Lord, O'my soul~I worship Your Holy name for all Your goodness.

[I was litening to 10,000 Reasons by Rend Collective]

-B...

"If it doesn't break your heart, it isn't love."

Photo taken: Johnny's backyard (I went to Ohio!)

It has been over a year that I have even posted in here.

So much has happened but I have learned from all of it which I feel matters the most.

God has really been reshaping my heart with healing and wisdom.

I feel I am beginning to really look at things differently. So much so that I look forward to whatever new relationship God will restore in my life.

Yes. This does mean Johnny and I are not together. Not at the moment anyway. Due to stress and the inevitable, we had to part. It hurt badly, like a part of me was cut off... but through this storm I learned a new peace. In order for me to find what was in my heart it had to be cut open.

"Cause when you're breaking down with your insides coming out, that's when you find out what your heart is made of." - Switchfoot's 'Yet'

I wrote in my journal today and I tossed my old journal full of old memories, most bad. A lot of them had to do with my past relationship and I just want to FULLY move on from that. I saw the error of my ways and I'm ready to move into the new. God is making beauty out of my ashes.

I just pray for Johnny. I still love him so much, unconditionally. I have asked God to forgive me for how badly I treated him and how I blamed him for things that I had held on. I unleashed my anger on him so much when really I needed to give those feelings to God.
Whether we're together or not only our Lord knows and He will show in due time. For now Johnny has his own journey he is on and I will just pray for him from where I am. May he find joy and smiles in his days......

Also I would like the change the name of my blog because I feel I am no longer facing that same storm. I hardly have anxiety anymore PRAISE GOD! I have overcome fears ( I flew to Ohio last year!) I started working on cosplay and painting again with passion. I've definitely been more in touch with my creative side and definitely been closer to my Heavenly Father. God has really used my relationship with Johnny for the better. We're not even together and I'm doing well just praying for him. I do admit I cry but...I try to not stay down for too long, I pray instead. I reroute the emotions toward something good.  : ) Well, I need to sleep. I think I'll try updating this at least once a week. Good night.

- 

B

2 years ago..

I read a journal that I began in 2010. I read over old posts. The last few months of 2012 did not mention Robby but myself...before that though he was in it....and a year or two back I was claiming I wanted to marry him and be with him.... Whoever that girl was, I am not her anymore.

2  years ago, the thoughts I had today would not bring me tears of sadness to my eyes but joy. 2 years ago, the changes I've seen would have made me 10x happier.

2 years ago I would have never thought I'd be in the place I am at now.

So what happened? I know I wasn't close to God when all this began...and now that I have been growing close to Him again I'm struggling with the wonder of what I am suppose to do.

So many things today have bothered me and brought me to tears. It could be I'm just emotionally unstable right now due to my 'time of the month'... but either way, these things are happening and I am not happy with them.

I'm confused and frustrated. I want to break away from Robby fully and breathe. I want people to stop thinking he's with me. I know him living here still makes it seem that we are. I want him out. I want him on his own. I'm tired of living under the same roof. Why is he still here, God? I know he's getting help here but I feel like it's keeping me uncomfortable and stressed.

Do you want me with him? 2 years ago I asked the same question. "Is he the right man for me? Will he be a godly husband with me?"
I believe he would be a good godly husband but I don't want him anymore. I don't find any interest, I only know he'd be safe to be with. Just safety isn't what I want. I want more than that...

Why do I harbor such resentment? Is it because I feel there are some who still wants us together and I I'm being rebellious? Is it because I want him to let go of me and he won't?

So many thoughts fill my mind.

It's bothering me.

I need your peace, Lord. 

Please please give me a break from him. I do wish him well and pray he has a good life. I don't will anything bad on him. I just want to be away...I want to move on. I really do.

-sighs-

I feel trapped in my own house sometimes.

I just want to find that peaceful place in my life..

"Wait on the Lord: be good of courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord. Psalm 27:14"
 This was shared with me this morning when I woke up. 

God, whatever Johnny's role is in my life I pray that it go according to Your will. For now he really has been helping me out. I just need to worry less and trust you more.

This year I want to give you my whole heart, Lord.

Feeling Impatient..

I'm in such a blah mood...

...and my patience is thin tonight

I feel like giving up the fight.

I want to see you. Will I ever?

Is it meant to be..

or never?

I hope you can take the rope

before I lose my grip

on this long distance strip

of hope.