I read a journal that I began in 2010. I read over old posts. The last few months of 2012 did not mention Robby but myself...before that though he was in it....and a year or two back I was claiming I wanted to marry him and be with him.... Whoever that girl was, I am not her anymore.
2 years ago, the thoughts I had today would not bring me tears of sadness to my eyes but joy. 2 years ago, the changes I've seen would have made me 10x happier.
2 years ago I would have never thought I'd be in the place I am at now.
So what happened? I know I wasn't close to God when all this began...and now that I have been growing close to Him again I'm struggling with the wonder of what I am suppose to do.
So many things today have bothered me and brought me to tears. It could be I'm just emotionally unstable right now due to my 'time of the month'... but either way, these things are happening and I am not happy with them.
I'm confused and frustrated. I want to break away from Robby fully and breathe. I want people to stop thinking he's with me. I know him living here still makes it seem that we are. I want him out. I want him on his own. I'm tired of living under the same roof. Why is he still here, God? I know he's getting help here but I feel like it's keeping me uncomfortable and stressed.
Do you want me with him? 2 years ago I asked the same question. "Is he the right man for me? Will he be a godly husband with me?"
I believe he would be a good godly husband but I don't want him anymore. I don't find any interest, I only know he'd be safe to be with. Just safety isn't what I want. I want more than that...
I believe he would be a good godly husband but I don't want him anymore. I don't find any interest, I only know he'd be safe to be with. Just safety isn't what I want. I want more than that...
Why do I harbor such resentment? Is it because I feel there are some who still wants us together and I I'm being rebellious? Is it because I want him to let go of me and he won't?
So many thoughts fill my mind.
It's bothering me.
I need your peace, Lord.
Please please give me a break from him. I do wish him well and pray he has a good life. I don't will anything bad on him. I just want to be away...I want to move on. I really do.
-sighs-
I feel trapped in my own house sometimes.
I just want to find that peaceful place in my life..
"Wait on the Lord: be good of courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord. Psalm 27:14"
This was shared with me this morning when I woke up.
This was shared with me this morning when I woke up.
God, whatever Johnny's role is in my life I pray that it go according to Your will. For now he really has been helping me out. I just need to worry less and trust you more.
This year I want to give you my whole heart, Lord.
