The old is put away, the new is brought forth.

" Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails..." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8..

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love but the greatest of these is Love."

1 Corinthians 13:13

Dear God,

I had a lot on my mind and I spoke most of it to you...what I didn't you already know. You know what troubled me last night and when I awoke. I can say I put it on myself. I failed you once again and after reading in my Bible I felt even worse. You remind me of what not to do and yet I do such things...it is worse when I know not to and still do it.  I know that if I live in an immoral way, the non-christian world may be free to assume such a life style is accepted by the church and by You which would be very dishonoring to You. I want to honor you, God... with my mind, heart and body. As a Christian I know I am not to live as the world does.... harming my body, doing as I please. I am here to please You! 

A new year is beginning, and Jesus has not returned yet. There is still work to be done. The truth needs to spread but more and more the world has turned it's back from God. Sometimes I feel alone in it all but I know I am not. This year I am asking for a few things but  I am willing to work all I need to so I may be rewarded with such things...I don't think they are unnecessary desires either.. but please place the right desires if these aren't for me.

First...

I'd like to be able to share a close bond with another, a partner in this life. Someone who will be here and help me out. Someone who will be a team with me in serving You. I want to have a place to live and be able to share it with them as well at some point. I need someone who will be healthy and help me be healthy... Someone who will be fine doing out without alcohol, drugs, or over-eating fatty foods and keep me from those temptations as well. I don't really need them. My body is the temple of You, God..as you have said in your word. ("Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own. Therefore honor God with your body."1 Corinthians 6:19-20) I know I'd need someone who would help me with my struggles and not influence them. I'd like to let go of my old ways completely and not continue to struggle with the same sin. Could you please place someone in my life that will work together for good with me? Someone who will have a discernment as I have? A discernment to keep them from openly bringing opposing things into our home whether it be through books, games, movies or music? I want a happy and peaceful home... It seems a lot of  popular things these days are sugarcoated but stand for many unholy things.. -sighs- I may deal with some stuff now but I know I will just not put up with it at all later. I'd also want someone that will love my truly with a pure and unconditional love. Someone that has YOU in their heart and will continue to hunger for more of You and your guidance for our life together..

I want who is best for me, God. Someone who will take care of me. A good Christian man who's heart is after yours and puts you above me. I am fine being second-best because I won't be able to fulfill his every desire as you could. Thank you, Lord. I know I must be willing to return with great things. I want to be a woman of great virtue and be a great wife in the future. : ) Loving unconditionally and bringing warmth to the home...as well as a little silliness! You made me weird God, and I love it.

Second,

I'd love to have Christian friends...friends who I can share my love with about you. I'm honestly just tired of the excessive cussing and careless lifestyle of the people I use to be so close to. I cannot judge them... It is only within those who claim to be of faith that I can technically discipline and try to correct. If someone says they are a Christian, you have said another Christian can judge their actions and bring it to attention because you have asked us to be accountable for another. I want friends who will influence me in the way I need to be. Friends that will enjoy the Christian music as I do...and not just the fun stuff but the legit worshiping and praising your name with sounds that are pleasing in your ears! I'd love to have friends that would attend church with me. I want brothers and sisters in Christ to accept me as their friend... people I can go to for Godly counsel, not the counseling the world gives..for that is empty and not ever-lasting.  Help me to be a good friend as well.

Third,

I'd like to continue growing up in my life. Growing in you and moving on in this life. I'm in desperate need of a car and want to be able to afford it. Help me with my finances I pray!! I want to spend my money more wisely and be a successful adult. I am ever grateful for the jobs you have blessed me with. Working with the children is amazing. I love watching them grow up learning about you. I love how you light up their life with your love and the hope you give them. I hope I can keep moving on up in this so I can afford to live on my own. I know you'd want me to keep moving on and not be comfortable here at home. My mom has done so much for me and I am thankful for it. I just know it is getting close to the time I must spread my wings and make my own nest!


Last.

I pray this near year I will move into what YOU have for me. I want to let go of my bad habits and create new and pure habits. I know then I will have such a peace because I will be on the path that you have created for me. You say you have blessings for us if we just follow the path that was meant for us... May YOUR will be done not mine.

If I lose people this year because of my faith I know it will not be because of me. I love the sinners, not the sin... but there will be those who continue to move down another path and that is what they will chose because of their own free will you have given them. I will pray for them but I will continue to follow You. No one is going to take this light you have placed in my heart. Nothing is going to put it out. I'm going to let it shine.

Even if I end up being alone forever with a cat or something, as long as I have you Lord I know I will be complete and when you return....I will finally get to see you face to face. *~*

Thank you.

Amen.

Love Your Daughter,

Bridget

A Sign or Misunderstanding?

Sometimes I feel like Mary. Everyone is against what makes me happy.

God,

Are these comments made because you want me to see in another perspective? Or is she just being negative?

I'm not as dumb as I look. You know I want to be wise in my decisions.

I don't see what she sees. I understand where she gets her assumptions from and worries from but when I look I see the fruits of the spirit. I see the hunger for You.

Yeah I worry sometimes...I see some little flags that pop up and bring concern to myself but I just pray about those issues...He's a new follower of yours, he's not going to be fully discerned yet or make the best  choices (even I still mess up...after all these years)

I just...

I want to know what you want for me?

Is this it? Or not?
If not  then pray you close any doors that need to be closed.

I don't have it in me to turn away from him. My heart is attached...

Please work in this situation.. You know our hearts, no one else does.

You see past our hair colors, our tattoos, our clothing, our words...

You look into our heart and see the intentions, the loves, the lusts, the attachments.

I will continue to trust you. I know if this is meant by you to work out, it will.

If not. It won't...

It just hurts me. The one person I look up to the most for opinion and such doesn't want to hear about the person that makes me happy these days.

It bothers me so much because I value her opinion and now I don't want to hear them.

,___,

I also pray you continue to work in him, God. I know if his heart is still open You will work wonders.

I may not be all that but I know I'm enough for you to want me to be with someone who will hold my hand as we both walk the narrow and less taken path in life. Your path.

-

Bridget.

My Worst Enemy

This thing that changes me, it affects the way I see

it affects every part of me

Makes you my enemy

But when it falls apart, it's like a brand new start

and I can't remember why  I ripped everything apart.

This is going through my head because of how I feel right now.

I don't even want to go into detail I just know I don't like how I feel and I hope to feel better. I just need to pray for God's forgiveness.

There's things in our lives we'll have problems with and temptation just brings the worse out in me.

I don't like how I acted last night and it bothered me bad this morning.

One of the worst parts is I feel I won't be understood.

If I'm not. I feel I will need to end some things.

I'd rather not but in order to continue on my path of righteousness and such I can't have something that will pull me back to my old ways and get me feeling this way.

I'm sorry.

I just can't do this if it's going to be a problem.

,___,

God matters most. I want Him to be pleased more than anyone else. I know I displeased him and for that I must make changes if the changes wont happen themselves.

-

B

Curling up...

I know I just posted something(scroll down for latest long post)...

..but if you read this, just pray for me.

For now I am probably just going to be laying on my floor listening to my Christian music in the dark.

[u_u]~~

Pb is too busy anyway. I guess it was meant for me to be alone this evening.

Hold or Halt?...

I am not happy, but I am not as upset as I was earlier. I can't be now after what I think was a sign I received.

So whoever reads this knows what is going on with me, more or less. I finally started feeling free and all so I shared with my mother my latest feelings and thoughts. I received a long e-mail in response and it wasn't what I was hoping to read but I can't say I was surprised?

As you may not know, my mother usually gives pretty good advice because she's very close to God in her relationship with Him and He likes to share things with her. Well, when she replied to me....she felt I needed to put a halt or hold on all I'm wanting to move into (relationship, new place to stay..etc).
When I read that I thought, "Stop? But I have been stuck for so long and am finally able to breathe and want to move on! Why would I want to stop?"

After that I read more. She feels because Robby is still around I am to try and help him (along with her)move into his purpose God has for him. Which may sound nice but it's God's job to move Robby into the purpose he has for him, not me. Plus, Robby and I talked today about giving each other even more space and that he's going to stop trying to win my affection (which I am happy he decided that).

Ughhh. I just wanted to run and move away tonight after reading. I felt like I had been yanked back with a chain and pointed to a mess saying "You fix this before you want anything else!" but I don't know what to fix...or how to even fix anything! I can't change Robby's feelings and I'm not going to try and change mine either because I like how they are! 

Finally I vented to Stephanie and she kind of helped me... and then I went to Robby and said "Do I bother you with anything? Is there anything you feel we need to fix besides our past relationship?" then I asked him for forgiveness again and forgave him for all our past break-ups he initiated. He told me my mom just means well and he agrees she should accept my feelings more... but that was it. So I finally went back to my room and sat down. I prayed, "God what do I DO I am confused once more and I just want to move on, why am I being told to put a hold on MY life to help HIS when I am done with all this? I've prayed for so long..I just want something new.. Is my mom right? Am I being rebellious? Do I have to stop talking to Johnny? I don't want to..but I will do whatever You want me to do.."

So then I opened my bible app, hoping the scripture would help and this was it....

"Where there is strife, there is pride, but wisdom is found in those who take advice"

Proverbs 13:10

Me: "................" -sigh- "Okay God, you have my attention....."

.____. I know even Johnny has told me I need to be patient and fix things out over here while he works on things over there...  I just don't really know what to work out now? I mean obviously Robby and I need space...sooo? I suppose I'll just keep praying for him, not completely turn my back on him.

As for Johnny, I don't know what to do... I know your feelings will remain if we were to take some sort of break or put a hold on our desires and what not...and I guess it's much easier since you're so far away...but I like the feelings I have for you and don't want to lose them. God would have to remove them from my heart before I just like stop. @_@; Meh...maybe you understand more of what my mom means than me..? Maybe. Maybe not. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore!!

-

B

Getting Back ...

Material for my current project..

Today has been a pretty good day. Although I felt tired and have been blowing my nose since last night I can honestly say I enjoyed today. It wasn't full of anxiety and or depression which is good enough for me! Although I did have a mini panic attack last night for some odd reason. I got an overwhelming sense of fear and worry for Robby...and I really am not sure why. I almost got up to check on him. I just started to worry about him and what he's having to go through because I ended things... but then I reminded myself God has him and that all is well. I feel maybe the enemy tried to bring me down because right before that I felt great! Anyway, I was able to fall asleep as soon as I cast my worries to God and asked for His peace. :)

OH! I am finished with this semester of college AND AM SO GLAD. I'm going to go in sometime though to sign up for financial aid (for next Fall) and pay of some of my bill.... then I will kind of take next semester off with the exception of going in for my Japanese class. Next semester will mostly just be full of working and my hobbies which makes me happy. I hope to get back on track once next Fall starts.

Also good news, I actually brought out my fabric and have it on the ground waiting to be cut! It feels good to get back into my hobbies. I may not have AS much motivation but I am hoping it grows. I really am feeling better after I've done much confessing my feelings to people and especially God! I just feel all will work out. I am happy being close with Pbj now too. He just makes me laugh all the time and has much in common with me. Whenever we don't agree with something we try to understand each others perspective. He grew up in a different setting and around different types of people...so we tend to have very different views but he's very open to change and seeing things differently... which allows us not to like fight. I'm very grateful that he's a Christian because we have the same views regarding faith. He likes when I read out of one of my Stormie books (and she's my favorite author) which makes me happy because she's such an inspiration to me and I feel encouraged after reading. I don't like reading books that leave me depressed and discouraged..; (. But yeah....I like knowing he's there to pray for me and encourage me . He also has suffered from anxiety before like me and knows how it is. It helps me feel not so alone when I explain things I go through; he understands! I don't know how to explain but it's just weird because I really never thought I'd feel such feelings for someone else. Sometimes I still kind of feel bad...like I was disloyal and abandoned R but...I can't help it? The heart wants what the heart wants... Right now it's a bit weird though because my immediate family is so use to R and is very open to him so they've like adopted him in a sense. I feel like he's a family member now and worry slightly of how it will be when I want to physically bring Pbj into the scene... = / I just hope they are accepting. It's my life and whatever God allows, they should allow as well.

I'm always praying for God's will...that matters most to me!

^ ^ Alright, over and out.

Bridget

Patience. It can do a body, mind and spirit some good...

The view from the kitchen window...

Today I babysat. I didn't get too much thinking done because I obviously had some children to watch over! I had a nice time, for the most part. My nails were given a new look...which reminds me I need to wash off one of my nails because I don't want it painted. I also was given a make over and so I will have to fix my make-up before I go out tonight hehe... Over all I had a nice time and earned some money.

When I came back home I found Robby cooking up some pasta that his Nonna (Grandmother in Italian) would make. It smelled REALLY good so I am looking forward to that. You see we still live under the same roof but do not share the same room and we give each other space...  I don't mind him around sometimes but other times I really do wish he had his own place. We're not together and it is a bit awkward with him still being around as if he is still with me. For now I will try and envision him as a close friend who I've known for a long time or just my "brother in Christ" because he is a Christian now.

Well, I ended up taking another walk. The air was chilly and there was a thick blanket of fog creeping the streets and path I took on my walk. As I walked I spoke to God, sharing my current feelings and thoughts with Him. It's a way to clear my head and also get things out of me that I don't have to share with anyone else. I reminded him of my current situation and apologized for anything I may be doing that displeases Him. I had briefly read before my walk, out of this book, that sometimes our prayers really can displease God. It's usually when we were not obeying Him... and it isn't always about "not sinning" it's also about not doing what He is asking us to do. Sometimes it is hard to know what He wants when we're too busy filling our heads with other noise...and our hearts with the things that are not of God...

When I reached the bridge that crosses over the canal I stopped and stood along the railing. I kept my hands in my pockets and spoke from behind my warm scarf. I closed my eyes and asked God to remove anything in my heart and mind that did not need to be there. I asked Him to close any doors that needed to be shut. Then I prayed over Johnny and Robby as well, since they are part of my current situation... I felt God remind me that He is at work in both of them and just like me, they need to let some things go. I wasn't given a clear message on what or who He was wanting me to be with.. Because you see, part of me is worried that God is wanting me to be with Robby... I don't know if it's Him or just because I am confused on what's bothering me so everything seems like it could be the reason. I  told God I did not harbor those feelings for him anymore and apologized for the way I felt. I shared once more that I have a new love developing in my heart now..even though it saddens me that I have not even seen the person's face before my eyes just yet.... Finally I sighed and just asked He'd show me the right way and help me.... I didn't hear anything, but it's hard because my mind thinks a lot. I just wiped the tears that had collected at the corners of my eyes and told Him I'd trust Him.

So now I will wait for the signs I need, and the peace that will come with it. I know God blesses those who follow His will with much peace. If we are not following God's will we will LACK peace! Sometimes we think what we're doing is right but unless we are truly seeking God every day and opening our hearts to Him, we will not be able to discern where to go or what to do. This is why I know I must stay focused, be patient and continue to read God's word....

Good things come to those who wait.

Hmm..I'd really like it if people posted scripture on my FB wall....I'd like to surround myself with truthful promises that will encourage me.

-
Bridget

Stuck in this box

Sigh...

I really do wish we were in two separate places. Then I wouldn't have to see you down and I wouldn't have to feel so stressed. I feel it's hard to move on when you're always around.

I'm really sorry this happened to us. It is a bit surreal, I must admit. I never thought I would be rejecting the person I thought I would marry one day. I honestly never saw this coming....I'm not sure why it did, but it did. Still, I am sorry from the bottom of my healing heart.

God,

I pray I can just move on. I am tired of the feelings I've been having. Please take them from me? I no longer want to feel I am dwelling on the past or what I thought might be. I want to move into new things and feel I am accomplishing other things. I want to get back into the hobbies I love and share more laughter. I feel I have become very lazy and tired.... please, breathe new life into me. I need your breath, I need your strength, and I need your peace.

Peace, yes....that is what I want the most.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on our own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths" Proverb 3:5-6

A Much Needed Walk. . .

A photo I took with my phone. This is where I took my walk...doesn't look too pretty but I enjoyed the time alone with God. It was a cold and gloomy day but my heart felt so warm in His presence

Today I took a much needed walk. For whatever reason I am still struggling with some depression and anxiety. After some conversations with Johnny, my mom and even Robby I had come to the conclusion that I really needed to go out on a walk...but not alone, with Him.

A few things came to my mind while on this walk.

You see, many of us will pray and cry out to God. We remain in our comfort zone, our room, our solitude... whatever it is. Sometimes it is our haven, but sometimes it is our prison. In the bible it says "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you" this is found in James 4:6. Sometimes we just have to go out and really search for God. We have to move out of the mud we've allowed ourselves to wallow in so God can cleanse us... 

Strangely, I felt so much less alone than I had in weeks on that walk. Many days go by and despite being in a house with 4 others I have experienced much loneliness. While I walked with my hands slipped into the side pockets of my jacket, my head covered by my hood and a warm scarf around my neck I kept my eyes on the cloudy sky, hoping to hear from Him. Although I could not see Him I felt a presence. I didn't feel as if my words were floating meaninglessly into the air, they were filling the ears of God and it comforted me.

I finally stopped and stared off into the cold and empty land before me. The trees were all dead, the canal had only puddles from the recent rain and there was a cold breeze blowing past me. I looked up once more and gazed into the far sky...

I prayed about the issues going on in my head. My heart has undergone a lot. With the suffering of anxiety/depression weighing heavy, the mourning of an old relationship that slowly died without even me realizing until late and the wanting of a new love which is trying to grow but much crying and letting go must be done first. I let God know of all my feelings and those in my life that I care about. I surrendered and literally yelled out, "Okay! I surrender! I give up...I just can't keep trying to control my life... nothing is working out how I had planned, I need you to help me God...I need you. I surrender all my hopes and dreams. You know what is best, I obviously don't." and I just cried, staring up at the sky. "I can't see you but..but I know you're there and I know you want to move me into what you have for me...please forgive me for being so stubborn and stuck in my habits... I have not given you much time." I realized how I kept going to God only when I wanted something. I wasn't really spending time with him, I was just asking for things like he was Santa Clause or something.. but God is SO much more! He can do SO much more than just answer our prayers. He can bless us with more than we ever thought we'd get or need. I spoke to Him about Johnny and Robby. I prayed they'd both continue to search for God. I prayed that God would keep them in His hands and continue to move them into all He has for them. I share a love for both, but two different loves... I told God that I want to share time with Johnny and that I do want to see him. But overall I asked His will for us. He knows what is best and so in time we will see. 

After my walk I came home and napped before work. My work went well but I thought of ...Johnny a lot ,_,; I just prayed for him... and kept on with my work. -Sighs- I never thought I'd be in this position to feel for another. I just know I still need to have things worked inside of me before I can fully give my self and my heart. Slowly though, I am moving into something new.




I'm glad I took that walk. I know there will be plenty more...

Bowl of Oranges

Dear journal,

It has been a while has it not? Fortunately I can say that I am still afloat. I no longer feel as if I am drowning, I am beginning to see the golden sands of the shore I long for...
I don't feel as alone either.

I can say I have learned how sick the body can become once it has allowed the poison of dishonesty to enter. In a sense I had dug myself into a hole to the point I began to feel the dirt piling up on me... I was being buried alive in my lies... Once I could not handle it, once I realized I would die....I fought my way back up....and God cleansed me of the burden of the sin I had began to carry...

On another note...
My heart string leading to the one person I use to think I would be with forever has been  cut... I have found a new string leading to a new heart. His name is Johnny. I find it a bit strange how all this has happened. I had kept these feelings towards this person for a while now and I could not bear to keep them inside any longer. Part of what was typed above was the dishonesty of keeping my feelings a secret from both people involved in this love ....thing (not a triangle?) 

Anyway... the only thing I fear is that people will not accept this new change I have. It seems they are all use to my old dream and love. 

"And everytime you feel like crying I'm going to try and make you laugh.."

I don't know where this will lead but until then I enjoy every moment with Johnny. Although he lives far, my heart continues to feel the tug of the string that is now connected to his. When I am away he is on my mind, when we talk we share much laughter and relation. We are definitely alike and what is amazing is that we both follow the same God and both want to live and serve Him together. He has been there for me, supporting me. I have watched his relationship with God grow as well. It truly is beautiful, especially knowing how he was before... But yeah, he has shared many encouraging things with me and understands a lot of the things I say or do.. even when he doesn't, he tries his best to. -sighs-
He also wants to cosplay and I think it's awesome @_@ Although he may have some things God is still working on with him, I know that if he really is right for me....this relationship will be blessed. Seeing him will confirm some things for me. I will wait for now.