A Much Needed Walk. . .

A photo I took with my phone. This is where I took my walk...doesn't look too pretty but I enjoyed the time alone with God. It was a cold and gloomy day but my heart felt so warm in His presence

Today I took a much needed walk. For whatever reason I am still struggling with some depression and anxiety. After some conversations with Johnny, my mom and even Robby I had come to the conclusion that I really needed to go out on a walk...but not alone, with Him.

A few things came to my mind while on this walk.

You see, many of us will pray and cry out to God. We remain in our comfort zone, our room, our solitude... whatever it is. Sometimes it is our haven, but sometimes it is our prison. In the bible it says "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you" this is found in James 4:6. Sometimes we just have to go out and really search for God. We have to move out of the mud we've allowed ourselves to wallow in so God can cleanse us... 

Strangely, I felt so much less alone than I had in weeks on that walk. Many days go by and despite being in a house with 4 others I have experienced much loneliness. While I walked with my hands slipped into the side pockets of my jacket, my head covered by my hood and a warm scarf around my neck I kept my eyes on the cloudy sky, hoping to hear from Him. Although I could not see Him I felt a presence. I didn't feel as if my words were floating meaninglessly into the air, they were filling the ears of God and it comforted me.

I finally stopped and stared off into the cold and empty land before me. The trees were all dead, the canal had only puddles from the recent rain and there was a cold breeze blowing past me. I looked up once more and gazed into the far sky...

I prayed about the issues going on in my head. My heart has undergone a lot. With the suffering of anxiety/depression weighing heavy, the mourning of an old relationship that slowly died without even me realizing until late and the wanting of a new love which is trying to grow but much crying and letting go must be done first. I let God know of all my feelings and those in my life that I care about. I surrendered and literally yelled out, "Okay! I surrender! I give up...I just can't keep trying to control my life... nothing is working out how I had planned, I need you to help me God...I need you. I surrender all my hopes and dreams. You know what is best, I obviously don't." and I just cried, staring up at the sky. "I can't see you but..but I know you're there and I know you want to move me into what you have for me...please forgive me for being so stubborn and stuck in my habits... I have not given you much time." I realized how I kept going to God only when I wanted something. I wasn't really spending time with him, I was just asking for things like he was Santa Clause or something.. but God is SO much more! He can do SO much more than just answer our prayers. He can bless us with more than we ever thought we'd get or need. I spoke to Him about Johnny and Robby. I prayed they'd both continue to search for God. I prayed that God would keep them in His hands and continue to move them into all He has for them. I share a love for both, but two different loves... I told God that I want to share time with Johnny and that I do want to see him. But overall I asked His will for us. He knows what is best and so in time we will see. 

After my walk I came home and napped before work. My work went well but I thought of ...Johnny a lot ,_,; I just prayed for him... and kept on with my work. -Sighs- I never thought I'd be in this position to feel for another. I just know I still need to have things worked inside of me before I can fully give my self and my heart. Slowly though, I am moving into something new.




I'm glad I took that walk. I know there will be plenty more...