Hold or Halt?...

I am not happy, but I am not as upset as I was earlier. I can't be now after what I think was a sign I received.

So whoever reads this knows what is going on with me, more or less. I finally started feeling free and all so I shared with my mother my latest feelings and thoughts. I received a long e-mail in response and it wasn't what I was hoping to read but I can't say I was surprised?

As you may not know, my mother usually gives pretty good advice because she's very close to God in her relationship with Him and He likes to share things with her. Well, when she replied to me....she felt I needed to put a halt or hold on all I'm wanting to move into (relationship, new place to stay..etc).
When I read that I thought, "Stop? But I have been stuck for so long and am finally able to breathe and want to move on! Why would I want to stop?"

After that I read more. She feels because Robby is still around I am to try and help him (along with her)move into his purpose God has for him. Which may sound nice but it's God's job to move Robby into the purpose he has for him, not me. Plus, Robby and I talked today about giving each other even more space and that he's going to stop trying to win my affection (which I am happy he decided that).

Ughhh. I just wanted to run and move away tonight after reading. I felt like I had been yanked back with a chain and pointed to a mess saying "You fix this before you want anything else!" but I don't know what to fix...or how to even fix anything! I can't change Robby's feelings and I'm not going to try and change mine either because I like how they are! 

Finally I vented to Stephanie and she kind of helped me... and then I went to Robby and said "Do I bother you with anything? Is there anything you feel we need to fix besides our past relationship?" then I asked him for forgiveness again and forgave him for all our past break-ups he initiated. He told me my mom just means well and he agrees she should accept my feelings more... but that was it. So I finally went back to my room and sat down. I prayed, "God what do I DO I am confused once more and I just want to move on, why am I being told to put a hold on MY life to help HIS when I am done with all this? I've prayed for so long..I just want something new.. Is my mom right? Am I being rebellious? Do I have to stop talking to Johnny? I don't want to..but I will do whatever You want me to do.."

So then I opened my bible app, hoping the scripture would help and this was it....

"Where there is strife, there is pride, but wisdom is found in those who take advice"

Proverbs 13:10

Me: "................" -sigh- "Okay God, you have my attention....."

.____. I know even Johnny has told me I need to be patient and fix things out over here while he works on things over there...  I just don't really know what to work out now? I mean obviously Robby and I need space...sooo? I suppose I'll just keep praying for him, not completely turn my back on him.

As for Johnny, I don't know what to do... I know your feelings will remain if we were to take some sort of break or put a hold on our desires and what not...and I guess it's much easier since you're so far away...but I like the feelings I have for you and don't want to lose them. God would have to remove them from my heart before I just like stop. @_@; Meh...maybe you understand more of what my mom means than me..? Maybe. Maybe not. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore!!

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B