Here I Am, Again. . .

Here I am again.
The dreadful feelings I once thought were long gone have once again returned to my body. The anxiety has toxicated my mind and depression now runs like poison through my heart...

Everyday for the past week I feel as if I am fighting to stay above water and God is reaching out for me, saying "You're almost there..." but sometimes I feel like I am going under...and I can't hear Him anymore. My mind is clouded with such negative thoughts I just feel like giving up at times and that's when I have to force myself to think on other things and distract myself. I feel if I let my guard down I will just go crazy. So now I feel tired, like my arms are weak from all this "swimming" to stay afloat....I just want to reach the golden shores that God has for me....so I can rest on the warm sand and breathe again (have peace).

First I wonder, why me? Why me, God? Why do you allow such an awful form of torment to enter my life and lay heavy on my body like a wet blanket? It's always easy to blame and slip into a "woe is me" state of mind, especially when depression has blinded you from seeing any light of hope.

It is then that I can take this time to lay out my life on the table and look at all I have poured into it, and what I have neglected. Almost always do I find myself seeing how I have neglected my relationship with God and even other positive people in my life. I finally see how my addictions (unhealthy eating, laziness, online social networks) have caused me to become a hermit in my room. My "great" life I felt I was living wasn't so great at all. I was merely distracted from reality.... and now I am ready to LIVE again.

Unfortunately it is taking time to wipe away all the mud from past mistakes and sins. My sin has created a bondage in my life and has allowed the devil to slip his foot in the door and allow ugliness into my world. By my disobedience and carelessness I have allowed him some room to bring down my life. You see...he likes to distract us so that we get caught up in the web of his torment and plan. God has a will for us, but so does satan! He is on the prowl constantly, looking to steal, kill and destroy. I thank God that I have accepted Jesus as my Savior! I don't NEED to sit and take the devils' TRASH! I can live free, I just need to break away from the bondage and disobedient lifestyle...because it's not for me. There are good things for us and bad. Sometimes the bad is "sugar coated". If the bad was always ugly then everyone would avoid it, but to lure people in....it is presented as wonderful until you find yourself trapped with the not-so-great 'gift'....

Anyway, I suppose this is all I will write for now... I don't even know if anyone will ever read this but I think it will be good for me in this healing process I am in right now. I am DONE with anxiety. This is the last time I'm just going to let it do whatever with me hoping it just 'goes' away. I am going to fight this with God on my side. I can do this, I know I have a purpose and suffering with negative emotions is not permanent.

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Take me, God and renew my life because I have not done much great things with it. <3 I surrender.

The Lord has heard my supplication; the Lord will receive my prayer.
Psalm 6:9 ♥